saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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