I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
