this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
