he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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