I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
