You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
