My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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