Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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