You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
