He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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