Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
