Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
