he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
