i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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