Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
