I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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