I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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