Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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