Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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