You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
whose parrot is this?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
