I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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