dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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