i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize