ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
