We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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