Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
