ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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