How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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