I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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