I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
