I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
