You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
