I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
