I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I think i got beer on your cat.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
