It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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