Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
