Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
