Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
how do you play pong handcuffed?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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