I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
