As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We had to coat check the pizza.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
