i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
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