I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
