good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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