How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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