he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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