I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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