Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
