At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
