Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
why do cheetos always look like penises
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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