I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Randomize
