i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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