you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
