I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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