I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
