sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
