We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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