cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
