oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
